dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I think your dad took our porno
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
