My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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