I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
