definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
