I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
