our cab driver is having phone sex.
We got so high we made milksteak
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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