I wannas sexs uuuuu
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
