Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Randomize
