between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
