Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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