He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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