i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
