We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
i drank out of a bidet.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Randomize
