can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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