It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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