so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
