We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
