hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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