I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
