everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Randomize
