Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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