his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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