theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
