Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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