i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
