Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
