I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
