my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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