when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
