i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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