dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
