His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I have aggressive nipples.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
