So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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