Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
