see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
