I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
