Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
