I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
