Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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