Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
