3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
