i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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