Nicole vs. Life
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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