I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
