At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
