His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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