She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
