his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Two words: nipple clamps
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