Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
The adults are the big ones right?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
