So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
