It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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