I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
