my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
