Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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