If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
